Constant Blasting

So I'm pretty sure this might not be well received, but this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. What is with our generations need to constantly have music blasting in our ears? Don't get me wrong, I love music. Truly. I think it is amazing the way that it can change the mood and much of the time it is pleasing to listen to. I love almost every genre. There are a few that I could do without, and of the ones that I like, some I like exponentially better than others. But I still enjoy them all. I have a rich musical background. I grew up with music in my home, we all learned how to play piano, some the violin, viola, oboe, and various other musical instruments. All of my sisters have beautiful singing voices, and a majority of us chose to develop that in choirs and through private lessons. I can see this being perceived kind that I only like classical music. But as embarrassed as I sometimes as I am to admit it, I love artists like Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, even LMFAO. I am in no way a music snob. I will listen to almost any song and like it, and will not need to have known the song before it was popular.

Okay, so now that all of that is established Sometimes I need a break from music. I love to listen to it, but I've noticed when I am listening to music while trying to go about my daily life, I miss things. On campus a large portion of student's that I see have ear buds in while moving from one class to the next. I never do. And I'm glad. Because if I did I would miss some pretty awesome things; such as eavesdropping on other people's conversations, which, trust me, is always a good form of entertainment. But it isn't just things I can hear without the music, but things I am able to think while I'm not listening to it. While I believe that sometimes music can help inspire, I also have observed in my own life that it keeps me from thinking about things that might be important. In C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, there is a part, that I won't even try to accurately quote, but it basically says that while we always think of the adversary putting thoughts into our head, sometimes he is most effective when keeping thoughts out. When I listen to music all the time, I tend to be thinking about the music. And I use the term thinking very loosely. Normally it just kind of zones me out, my mind is transported to a place where I just have to nod my head to the beat and murmur lyrics under my breath. Perhaps this is just me. I just know that I have very little higher cognitive thinking going on while I am endlessly pumping music into my ears.

I don't entirely know where I am going with all of this, but maybe if you read this you can try to go one day without the ipod. I don't mean no music at all, but just try to go without the constant noise that could be distracting you from thoughts you didn't know you were able to think. And of course, other people's conversations. :)

Reasons why I really shouldn't be called an adult

Okay. So it has been exactly a month since my last blog post. Not from lack of things to say, just lack of wanting the time to blog them all.

First things first. I should not be allowed to have scissors. This last week I cut myself twice as I was playing with scissors. Literally playing with scissors. You think that I would be old enough to know not to play with scissors, right? Apparently not, as I did it twice. Also along with this, I realized how much I absolutely hate band-aids. They drive me nuts. I can't get used to them on my body so I pick at them. Then, when they get dirty I have to change them. So basically I am putting on a new band-aid every few hours. Finally I get to the point where I just can't stand them at all and take the stupid band-aid off and leave my wound open to get infected. So if I die of blood poisoning one day, know that it is because I can't stand band-aids. The only time I like them is when they are of the princess variety.


School started this last week. I am already so busy. Some of that is possibly related to the fact that I have my first real job. I am working 20 hours a week as both the BYU Independent Study Stats Tutor and a Stat 121 TA. I love the feeling of making money, but it makes for some really long days. Also my classes are already difficult. And I have been waking up at like 6 every morning. I'm so proud of myself. I don't wake up that early very well. So doing it for over a week is quite impressive if I do say so myself. Which I do.

I'm hungry. And I really need to go grocery shopping. But I don't want to get up and get something to eat, and if I don't want to get up to simply pour a bowl of cereal or make some ramen, imagine how adverse I am to the idea of leaving my apartment and going grocery shopping. I really need to learn to love to cook. I am truly afraid that it is a skill I will never have or enjoy. Whoever I marry is going to have to cook, because I can't do it. It stresses me out, like a lot.

Oh, soon I'm going to have to dedicate a post to my sister's wedding, but all the pictures aren't in, and I want to include pictures. And right now, I'm just too lazy to try to make everything sound and look cute, which a wedding post deserves.

Calculations

As you can obviously see, I named my blog Calculating Happiness. To me it was just a play on Math, Statistics and being happy, all things which are important to me. Since I named it that, however, it has been really interesting to see how people calculate happiness in their own lives. I've found a few things that have been interesting to me.

"Life is measured by your happiness, basically smiles minus frowns. You have a choice in this regard at every step. All people should be treated fairly, evenly and justly, to the greatest extent possible. Nothing is black and white. You don't have to win arguments to be happy, just know that your own opinions are good. Be a good person that others would like, golden rule. Be open, show your true self, don't hide behind facades. There is room for humor in everything."
I found this quote on someone's blog. I don't know who said it, but it is an interesting point. Especially the first part. "...basically smiles minus frowns..." I disagree with it somewhat. If they mean that literally, there are so many times in life when I smile when I am unhappy and so on. I'm sure they didn't mean it like that, but that's the way I interpret it.

I also found this survey called the Happy Planet Index. When I took it I got a score of 43.8, the average is a 46, and excellent is like 82 or something. I guess I need to work on some things there. However, it did say that my life expectancy was 85, which I think is pretty good.

Last night I found this which granted is a Cracked article which should normally be used mainly for humor purposes, but the last thing in this article is about how a team of psychologists came up with a formula to calculate your happiness.

Happiness= P + (5xE) + (3xH)

P - Personal characteristics
E - Existence (health, financial, stability and friendships)
H - Higher order (self-esteem, confidence, ambitions and sense of humor)
You can find these numbers for yourself by answering the following questions on a scale of 1-10. The first two are for P, third of E, and fourth for H.
    1. Are you outgoing, energetic, flexible and open to change?
    2. Do you have a positive outlook, bounce back quickly from setbacks and feel that you are in control of your life?
    3. Are your basic life needs met, in relation to personal health, finance, safety, freedom of choice and sense of community?
    4. Can you call on the support of people close to you, immerse yourself in what you are doing, meet your expectations and engage in activities that give you a sense of purpose?

Now just put your answers into the formula and you'll get a rating out of 100. Over 80 is really happy, under 20 is basically very depressed. I got a 55.5, which again I wish it was better, but it isn't like it's absolutely terrible.

All of these different ways to calculate your own happiness are interesting, but I think Sherri Dew put into words best, how we are to become happy.
"It is not possible to sin enough to be happy. It isn't possible to buy enough to be happy, or to entertain or indulge or pamper ourselves enough to be happy. It is not possible to hide enough or run far enough away from trials and troubles to be happy. Happiness and joy come only when we are living up to who we are."
I know that that is true, I know that when I feel happy it is because I have done that which is living up to who I am. I know that is how I will find permanent happiness someday. When I will always live up to who I am.

It's the last day of July. Summer is basically over. School starts again in less than a month. What do I have to show for my summer? Well... I have become more and more acquainted with my bed. I've had a terrible time trying to wake up, mostly because I have nothing to do, so I have zero motivation. I haven't read any books like my plan, I haven't done any service unless you count my sisterly duties to help Hannah with her wedding. Basically I've done nothing, and I hate that I haven't. I know that I really don't have very long left. I have 2 weeks before I go home for Hannah and Danny's wedding. But in those two weeks I am going to attempt, to do better. I'm going to try to wake up before 11 everyday. I would prefer if it was at least 9. I don't know what I'm going to do when school starts and I'm so used to sleeping in. Having a little motivation to do something is my goal for the next two weeks. Hopefully I have the motivation to fulfill it.

On a random note, I found this quote today, and basically I just really like it.
"Education is not the filling of a bucket but the lighting of a fire." - William Butler Yeats

Reasons

There are a whole bunch of little things swirling around my mind, things that I'm really thankful for right now. Reasons that I'm happy.

This first one is a little random. I happen to maybe, just slightly, be in love with David Archuleta. I have since he was on American Idol, but it has been renewed lately. His music makes me happy. No matter what mood I am in, I am always in the mood to listen to a little David. Especially lately. Plus look at his smile, how can you not be happy when you see that?

Anyway, I just think he is super adorable and sweet and it is my goal someday to meet him. And as he does things at BYU every once in a while it shouldn't be too hard. The only problem is that I never seem to find out about them until after. Anyway, his most recent album The Other Side of Down is full of amazing songs. I can't decide which one is my favorite, but I love My Kind of Perfect and Falling Stars.

Another thing that makes me happy is my friends. On Wednesday one of my old neighbors, with whom we were super close, was in Provo for a few hours and came by to visit. We got together with my old roommates Morgan and Ashley and it was so great to be together again. I was super sad when Shelley had to leave but I know that Fall semester starts in like a month so it's okay. I can't wait when all of my Fall/Winter roommates and our neighbors Sara, Jen, and Shelley can all hang out like old times.

Last summer, in my first term, I made this really amazing friend Michael Wray. He was always there for me, and I still don't know why. He is just a really amazing guy. When I am stressed or depressed I have this desire to leave, just leave wherever I am until I'm okay again. Sometimes I just take a drive, but other times the desire to leave is stronger and I can't really get rid of it no matter where I go. Michael saw me leaving one night last summer, we were already sort of friends at that time, and asked me where I was going. I honestly didn't know and I told him so. He made me come talk to him instead, and that continued throughout that Summer term and into Fall semester. Whenever I needed to leave, I went and talked to Michael instead. And he always listened. I have no idea why, we had a class together and we were in the same ward, but there wasn't really any reason for him to be so nice to me, but he was, because he is just an amazing person. He helped me with so many things, and we had a lot of fun together. Anyway, he has been on a mission in the Denver, Colorado North mission since late January. When I want to run away and leave now, sometimes I still take that drive to nowhere, but I also sit down and write him a letter. Even though most of the time I don't actually tell him what is stressing me out (he has enough to deal with), just knowing that he will read it and care makes me feel better. However, he is terrible at writing back, but I forgive him for that.

I don't think I would be making it through this summer without my lovely roommate Laura. She's such a fun person to be around. We have been slightly anti-social this summer and not really made any new friends so most nights we just sit in our apartment on our computers. But we talk a lot in all of this. And we go to get froyo together when we feel a need for sweets. She makes me laugh because she honestly has more clothes than anyone else I've ever met. She never stops buying them! Granted, the majority of them she gets from second hand stores and saves a lot of money, but she honestly doesn't have space to contain them all. They spill over from her half of the closet and her drawers onto shelves right outside our room. She also loves them, she probably tries on 4 different outfits before she leaves in the morning, all of which are adorable, and then when she comes home from work she will probably try on another 4 or so throughout the course of the evening. She is probably super embarrassed reading this, but I find it endearing. I love all of her outfits, and her clothes. They're fun. Also when my sister Moriah was in town she was really helpful in my attempts to entertain her. We went to a blog reading thingy that Stephanie Nielson read at and I pushed her to meet her, because basically nienie is her hero. It was really inspiring, and made me think about motherhood in a little more favorable light, (sometimes I have issues with it, but that's a post for another day). Anyway, I'm so glad that I have been her roommate this Summer. It's been fabulous.

Temples

One of the most fantastic thing about living in Utah, is that there are so many temples! Unfortunately I am really quite terrible at taking advantage of being surrounded by this many temples. Maybe it's because back in Iowa, going to the Nauvoo temple was an event. It took 2 1/2 hours to get there, and all the Young Men and Young Women would go, and we could only go like every 6 months. So maybe it is weird to me that you can wake up one morning and decide you want to go to the temple that day and then it takes like 5 minutes to get there. It's basically a foreign concept to me.

Today though, I went to the temple, it was wonderful. My visiting teachers came over on Sunday and at the end of the lesson they asked me if I wanted to go to the temple with them sometime this week, so we planned it for today. I'm so glad that they asked me, because I really needed to go. I'm so glad I did. There is something about the temple that just makes you feel super calm about life, because you know that the Lord is directing you. That is my opinion anyway. So right now I just feel quite okay about everything that is going on.

It was really weird for me to go to a temple other than Nauvoo, I never realized how huge the Nauvoo temple's baptistry is compared to other temples. We went to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple because Provo is closed for cleaning until next week sometime, it was so pretty. I know that my roommate Laura and I are planning on going to Provo as soon as it opens up again, and I hope that I can continue to remember to take advantage of having the temple so close while I can. I hope I can go at least once every 3 weeks, I can do that! There is a temple literally 5 minutes away. I can take out a few hours of my day and go so I can grow closer to my Heavenly Father and feel the love that He has for me.

Everything

So I'm not even sure what I want this post to be about. There has just been a lot going on recently. I'll start with last night, in which I saw the last Harry Potter movie! It was really good, it amazed me how they were able to include so many emotions. You felt like crying, cheering, and laughing all within seconds, it was fantastic. It also made me really sad because it was the end. I honestly started reading the Harry Potter books when I was seven (I was a very advanced reader). Harry Potter has been in a majority of my life, it boggles my mind that it is ending. I also found it amusing, because at the very first movie I was really frustrated because I felt like nothing was the same as it was in the book. I've echoed those sentiments from my 8 year old self in almost every single movie since. But last night I just wanted my little sister Moriah to stop pointing out the things that weren't right because it was such a fantastic movie. I know I'm a nerd, but I honestly do love all things Harry Potter. I have been dedicated since the very beginning and now I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with that dedication. I'm sad it's over, but it was such a fabulous journey.

Okay, now that I'm done with that, I am back in Provo. I have been since Monday evening. Moriah came back out with me, and I have realized that I am terrible at entertaining people. When I've been here in Provo I have always been in classes, so I would go to school, do my homework and then relax in my time left over. So I'm not entirely sure what to do with her, because I'm pretty boring. Oh well, it's been fun to have sister time anyway. Speaking of sister time, all of us 5 biological girls are in the same place at the same time. That hardly ever happens. Like at Christmas and weddings is basically it. So it has been quite fantastic to be able to be all together, we talk about the strangest things. I love being with my sisters.

My sister Hannah is engaged! It's crazy because it happened really fast, but she is so incredibly happy, that I can't help but be beyond excited for her. It also scares me a little bit, because it leaves me as the oldest single child, and strangely, even though I know that there really isn't any pressure being put on me, I can still feel some. I don't know how to describe it, but it terrifies me that I could be next. Let's just say I know that I am nowhere ready to get married, thinking about it makes me a little nauseous, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.

There is so much more that is going on in my life right now, but I don't have the time to talk about all of it. Right now I need to go conquer a massive pile of dishes that are in the sink. Eww.

Maquoketa

I'm home! I also happen to be more than ready to get back to good old Provo, but I'm still having a great time.

My family is adorable, by the way.

< My twin little brothers.

All of my other little siblings. >

So I think I had forgotten how completely awful the humidity in Iowa is... I'm slowly dying of heat. I went from a  place where the relative humidity averages about 15% to where it averages 80%. When I first got to Utah, I was so dry! But coming back to Iowa now, I just feel plain sticky. With moisture, and sweat. 

Also, I miss the completely blue skies of Provo. If it rains there, clouds quickly accumulate, then quickly disperse after the rain. And I love that. I love blue skies! Here in Maquoketa, however, there are always clouds, and it has rained every single day I've been home. :( 

But on to good things! 

Look at my gorgeous backyard... :)

I've gotten to see my best friend from high school, Shannon, a lot! It's been so fantastic! We went to Phantom of the Opera, and it was so good. Ahh! I love musicals. And Shannon.

I've also been able to read. :) It has been fabulous. I never read when I'm in school because I have so much reading to do in my textbooks. So I've been reading for fun. I've missed doing that. 

Am I allowed to throw in one more complaint? Of course I am, I can do anything I want. My mom has woken me up at like 7 in the morning every day! It's so completely awful. My first day here she woke me up at 6:30, 6 freaking 30! That happens to be 5:30 in Provo, which is the time I was still functioning in. Thanks mom. 

I really do love her, I just wish she would not wake me up so early, I like my sleep. 

Oh, and I'm super excited to celebrate Independence Day here. There are amazing fireworks about 20 minutes from here. Everyone who has ever seen them says they are the best fireworks they have ever seen. And they would be correct. They're amazing. 

I may not make it back to Provo if I contract some terrible disease from all the mosquito bites I've been getting. :-( Gross. 

Ooh ooh, look at my fantastic editing skills! Look at me with the wonderful greenness of Iowa behind me. 

Everyone is allowed some piousness right? If not, I may be in trouble. In all truthfulness I'm really just showing off my editing skills, as this picture was not super gorgeous to begin with, I just made it that way. Okay, before my ego runs rampant. I'm going to be done.

Y-Group

These last two days I was a Y-Group leader for Summer New Student Orientation. Me and my coleader Matt were in charge of 15 new freshman. It was so fun! I loved sharing my love for BYU with these new students. They were such great kids, I know that they will all do fantastic here.

It was kind of strange because I was in the exact same spot as them a year ago. It really put into perspective again how much I have changed. I remember being incredibly bored during convocation and the devotional they had for us. But getting to experience all these things again as a Y-Group leader I really enjoyed them. I realized how much I really love BYU and how grateful I am to be here. I also got to express my love of the Honor Code with the kids in my group, which I have already expressed on this blog but I really am so thankful for it. I also remember last year when I was a new student, that I wasn't able to talk to the people in my group very well. I realized how much I have changed in that area. I am so much more outgoing now.

I am so glad I volunteered to be a Y-Group leader, I hope that the kids in my group enjoyed themselves and that they will have a good time at BYU. I am so glad I took the time to do this before I went home this summer.

Rest

I just read all of my current roommate's blog which you can find here. I found it hilarious, probably because It is exactly how she talks, and I had heard many of these stories. I realized that I spend way too much of this blog talking about former roommates when I have such an awesome one now. So this lovely little paragraph is for you Laura Steffen. Just for you. :)

So remember that post that was me basically complaining that I wanted to go home? Well I decided to. And not just for a weekend, but I decided to not take classes summer and go home for about three weeks, and then just come back and hang out. This decision was really difficult for me, basically because I was really excited to be able to say I was a Junior by Fall semester, but I'm tired. I'm tired of going to school. I've been going for a year, and I learned that apparently I need breaks. I guess that isn't hard to imagine, most normal people do. So I will be leaving my dear little Provo this next Tuesday and I will be in Maquoketa for about 3 weeks! By the way that picture ^^ is of my tiny town of about 6,000 people. I'm excited, but I also think I might die of boredom because I won't have my car with me, so I won't be mobile.

Despite this setback, I have already made goals for myself to meet when I am at home.
First: I want to exercise! I am so bad at doing any form of exercise, and I don't know why. But I am going to go running, go swimming in our wonderful pool, and chase all my little siblings and hopefully this will somehow translate back to my life in Provo when I return.
Second: I am going to read. For fun. In high school I read a lot. More than any of my friends, or basically anyone I knew my age. But since I've gotten to college, I haven't read for fun at all. I have to read so many textbooks that for my free time I watch movies or tv on Hulu. It has really gotten bad. I miss books though so I am going to read.
Third: I am going to help my mom. In high school, as much as I would like to think I was helpful, I'm pretty sure I was a lazy little bum. So I will be doing the dishes without being asked and watch the kids without grumbling. Or at least I'm going to try.
Fourth: Okay, this one isn't really a goal, just for my own personal pleasure. I'm going to beat up my little sister Moriah. She turned 16 and I told her she wasn't allowed to, so I'm going to take it away from her. :) I miss her, and I hope that we can talk and become close again while I'm home. It has been hard to talk to her about stuff that I'm not present for, so hopefully I can be a better big sister and actually listen and be interested in the things she will tell me.

I'm really happy to go home. I was upset with myself for being weak and needing to, but now I'm just so excited to go home, that I don't even care. I am going to miss everybody here though. What am I going to do without my friends for 3 weeks? I'll get by I'm sure, with a little help from my family. (Ha, see what I did there? If not you can just ignore this parenthetical statement.)

Smiles

Today was wonderful!

I got to see my old roommates Kalee, Ashley and Morgan. I know that I mention former roommates on this blog probably way more than I should, but in my experience roommates become like your family. Aren't you always excited to be with your family?

Morgan and Ashley both live here in Provo too, so I am able to see them often. Even though I hadn't seen Ashley since she returned from her wonderful service trip to Peru. I loved seeing them though. Because I lived with them and have spent hours upon hours with them I never really get sick of being with them. Kalee, on the other hand, I haven't seen since Winter Semester ended two months ago. While I admit that two months really doesn't sound that long, Kalee was my room roommate. Meaning, I spent even more time with her than with the rest of my roommates. She was the one that I had had wonderful late night talks with as we were both falling asleep. On top of the attachment I feel for her already, she was the mother of our apartment that year. Which means she is the one that would tell us to do our chores, the one that basically everyone went to with their problems. Like with my own mother, I can tell just by the way she says my name what she is thinking. I miss Kalee so much.

 Today though, she was in Provo and was able to spend a few hours with us. We all met at J-Dawgs and spent forever there, just talking and laughing. It was great to catch up, it is so much more fun to talk to people in person than texting or calling them. After J-Dawgs we decided that ice-cream and a movie was needed. We grabbed my laptop and She's the Man from my apartment, went to the BYU Creamery and got a half gallon of Sparkle Sherbet (my favorite ice-cream), and went to a park. We laid on a blanket watching She's the Man (a movie that honestly all of us have memorized), and eating ice-cream. I haven't felt so happy in a really long time. Sadly Kalee had to leave, and therefore my heart had to break a little. I was so glad to be able to spend time with my former roommates and current great friends. I love them all so much!

Year

Tomorrow, I have been living by myself at college for an entire year. Thinking about it blows my mind. I feel like I've been here forever and for just a week all at the same time. Time is funny like that isn't it? There really is no way to describe this year so I will try to tell you a few very important aspects of this last year.

Roommates: I feel like I have been inexplicably blessed with fantastic roommates. They have been my best friends. I feel like I have learned that it really isn't the place that you live that matters, but who you are living with. I have had so many amazing times with my roommates. Like the stalker window, being put in the corner, being stalked by them dressed as men, laxatives, pretend fights, festival of colors, pure sarcasm, super sketch, cafe rio, coloring pictures. That isn't even close to an accurate representation of the times I've had with them, but I tried. I love all my roommates. Past and Present. I know that Heavenly Father blessed me with them, and I am so thankful. I would not be the person that I am today without them. Even if I only really knew and lived with them for a short time, they changed my life. And I'm better because of them.

Sisters: I have grown so much closer to my sisters since I've been out here. I went from seeing Rebekah and Hannah at Christmas and like one other week a year, to seeing them normally more than once a week. I am so glad that I have had them out here. They have taken such good care of me. They always tell me I don't eat right, or basically do anything right. But it is all out of love. I remember one time they even made a daily schedule for me. I stuck to it for less than a week, but I can't tell you how much it means to me that they tried. They're crazy and hilarious. I love them more than anything. I'm so glad that I have been able to get closer to them this last year.

Classes: It surprises me how easily a single class can alter the course of your life. But I have multiple examples of how they can. It is so easy to have one good or bad experience with a class and base everything you do after, on that experience. I have learned so much this last year. I have taken extremely difficult classes, and some really easy ones. I've also learned that your attitude is basically everything in class. If you are excited to be there, you will learn. If you're not excited, you will fall asleep, or just day dream the entire class, and not learn anything. I've loved some classes and hated others, but I know I have learned a great deal in all of them. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to be here at BYU, and attend these classes, and learn what I am learning. There are so many people out there that don't get such an amazing opportunity. I have experienced it this year, but I hope in the next I am able to appreciate it better.

Friends: I have had many amazing friends this last year. When I got a new phone and had to switch all of my contacts I truly realized how many friends I had made here. Heavenly Father has put amazing people into my life and I am so thankful for them. From friends that just make boring classes more bearable, to ones that make life more bearable, I have been blessed.

Honor Code: I love the honor code. And right now I feel like a BYU/SA commercial, but I honestly do. I have heard so many stories from my friends at other colleges about parties, and their dorms being disgusting because some drunk guy threw up in the hallway. Or about having to stay outside their room because their roommate is "busy". I love that I don't have to deal with any of that here. I love that everyone has the same basic standards. I love the fact that there are prayers to start classes, that the spirit can be brought in to almost every subject. I love the experiences that it has given me.

As I said, I really can't explain how this year has been. The above only scratches the surface. I know that I have changed a lot this last year. Probably more than any other year in my life. As I said above, I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have had being here. If I stop and count everything it goes like this: 14 roommates, 3 apartments, 17 classes, 44 papers, 38 tests, 3 wards, 2 callings, 2 road trips, and 2 visits home. At the moment I can't think of anything else to count, but I'm sure there are a lot of other things that will surprise me. I can't say that I have always been happy this last year, but I've always ended up that way.

Yearning

I miss home.

That is something I thought I would never say when I left for college. I knew I would miss my family and friends. I also knew I would miss my physical house, but I didn't think I would miss my town, or being there. But I do. Especially now that it is June, I miss fireflies, I miss evening thunderstorms, I miss being able to get anywhere in town within 5 minutes. I miss the movie theatre that only can play three movies at a time, and almost always 2 of them are R-rated so I can't see them anyway. I miss having a drive-in. I miss how everyone has bonfires in the summer. I miss the humidity. I miss my brothers and sisters playing outside, and begging me to push them on the swings. I miss my Dad complaining about cleaning the pool. I miss going to the Cordova drag strip with my Dad. I miss riding in my Dad's Nova, and telling Moriah that I get to have it when we are old. I miss the grocery store in our town, Fareway. I miss how you go to Walmart when there is nothing better to do, which is most of the time. I miss how no matter how many times you clean off the counter in the kitchen in a day, at the end of the day it is messy and you have to clean it off again because Mom hates going to bed in a messy house. I miss seeing corn grow. I miss driving to Dubuque at least twice a week, normally a lot more. I miss how every few years the Maquoketa River floods and they have to close the bridge that goes to town, which means that it takes a lot longer to get anywhere. I miss having to drop my sister off at her friend's houses and then having to go pick her up, even though that isn't necessary anymore. I miss the community plays at Ohnward every year. Mostly I miss my family.

My mom offered to let me come home for a few days between Spring and Summer terms. As much as I would love to, I know that my parents don't really have the money to fly me home. And I signed up to be a Y-group leader for Summer new student orientation. But I want to go home so bad. I want to watch TV sitting next to my Dad. I want to hug my Mom. I want to beat up my little sister Moriah for growing up, I told her she couldn't. I want to see Lily's bright orange hair. I want to see Keilah and Naidah playing outside in the yard. I just want to see and hug Aaliyah and never let go, I miss her so much. I want to play with Asher and Eli, and marvel at how big they've gotten. I want to see Jediah and Isabellah because I know that they are no longer the babies I left behind.

I want to go home.

Blessings

For some reason these past few weeks have been really difficult for me emotionally. Obviously it is really hard for me to be depressed because the highest goal in my life is happiness. However, even though I've been struggling, there are so many people that Heavenly Father has put in place for me. Way more people care about me than I feel like I deserve and I'm so thankful that I have them to lean on.

Our Heavenly Father has also given me so many ways of drawing closer and communicating with Him. My patriarchal blessing is one of my greatest helps in times like these when I'm having difficulties. I love being able to read it and know that it is scripture that Heavenly Father gave to me personally. When I read it I know that he not only loves me, but that he truly knows me and the desires of my heart.

Returning to the topic of people I'm thankful for I again am going to mention Morgan Johnson. She took me to her home in Vegas this past weekend and it was so nice to be in a family environment again, even if it wasn't my family. We went to Hoover Dam and the Las Vegas Temple which was beautiful. We also went to the Vegas Strip, it was really cool for me to see the complete contrast of the Strip and the Temple on the same day. I am so thankful for the standards that I am given to live by. I know without them I would be easily lost in this world. The Gospel is such a great light in my life, and I am especially thankful for it when I'm having difficulties finding happiness.

Aloft

Some days I just feel infinitely blessed. Today was one of them. I had a wonderful 18th birthday. I didn't do anything big or exciting, but I definitely felt the love of those around me today. I can't believe how lucky I am to have born into the wonderful family that I was, and to be where I am today. I don't take the time to truly appreciate it enough. My Heavenly Father has blessed me in more ways than I can comprehend. He has given me an excellent family and wonderful friends. And he has given me this life here on Earth to enjoy with them.
 

I found this quote by Gustave Flaubert that I really like. "The principal thing in this world is to keep one's soul aloft." I was thinking about that today, and realized that while that is true, the way to keep my soul aloft is to serve and love all of the people around me. I don't know how good of a job I do on that normally, but today I felt an outpouring of love towards me. So I hope that it is somehow a reflection of what I give others. My Heavenly Father has given me so many ways to keep my soul aloft and to be happy. This next year of my life I'm going to try to love others more in the way that He loves me.

Farewell

Today my amazing friend Morgan Johnson and I went to Wyoming. Why? To hear our great friend Trent Bennett's farewell talk. The moment he stood up I knew he was going to be a fantastic missionary. Trent just exudes the Spirit. I wanted to cry during his entire talk, both because the Spirit was so strong, and because he is a great friend and I am going to miss him so much! Even though I know he is going to be doing the Lord's work.

Driving all the way to Wyoming for Trent's talk was so worth it! Not only because we got to see him, but because Morgan and I had such a great time on the way, (and way back). I'm going to miss my friend though. I already have had so many leave to go on missions. But I know that they are doing that which our Heavenly Father wants them too. And they are doing, and going to do a wonderful job of following His will. I'm so thankful for the great examples that they are to me. It truly bring me happiness.

Familia

My family makes me happier than almost anything else. They take up a majority of my life.

They're crazy! We all know it. My parents decided when I was 8 or so to become Foster Parents. Our family was already pretty big by normal people standards. Everyone thinks that 5 girls is plenty. Everyone that is except my parents. Over the course of 9 years I have gained 8 little brothers and sisters. I love them all so much. I love what they have taught me. I have learned how to do so many things, and how to deal with almost every emotional problem imaginable. Being the 4th of 13 children I babysat a lot. Even more as I was the oldest at home for over 2 years. Sometimes I resented it, I feel like I have had my fill of babysitting forever, but never could I resent them. I love my adopted siblings so much! They make me smile when I just think about them. I love when I call home and they clamor around Mom to talk to me on the phone. There is nothing like going home and having them jump on you and hug you.

Of course I love my biological sisters too. I love living near my wonderful older sisters Rebekah and Hannah. I love being able to get to know my gorgeous nephew Bronson. And Hannah is one of my favorite people to spend time with. She is hilarious and you are never exactly sure which of wide range of emotions/voices you are going to get. I miss my oldest sister Sarah who is attending law school at Creighton. I'm also quite jealous of her as she is only around 5 1/2 hours away from home. One of the things I wish most is that I could be one of those people who are able to go home weekends once in a while.

My parents are some of the best people I know. My mom is... Well I don't even know how to explain my Mom. To start, people are scared of her. Something that I understand, yet at the same time it completely confuses me. She is one of the nicest, funniest people I know. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, which I suppose is normal. But I also find myself wanting to tell her everything that is happening in my life. Whenever something remotely important happens she is the first person I call. My Dad is kind of a different story. I almost never call him. But not for the reasons you would assume. I miss him so much that every time I talk to him on the phone I cry afterward. He is one of the kindest people I have ever known. He always can make me feel better about anything. He is the reason that I have such a random spread of interests. He always encouraged me to learn about and/or pursue anything that I was interested in. I miss both of my parents so much, in fact I just miss all of my family.

So Close!

In honor of my impending 18th birthday I decided to start a blog. It most likely will not be that fun to read as I am not one of the wittiest people I know. Nor do words I type out ever sound like what is going on in my head. But I figured I might as well.

As I said it is almost my 18th birthday. Only 6 more days until I am finally legal! It's kind of strange though because I calculated it, and on my birthday I will have been here at college for 11 months and 11 days. I would like to think that that qualifies me to be turning older than 18. I've always felt that age should be measured in maturity level, not in years.

While I'm speaking of college I would just like to say that I love BYU. I wanted to come here my whole life, and while no it isn't how I expected it to be, I still love it. I have met so many amazing people, and learned so many great things. It will always amaze me how in college just one thing such as something someone says or one class can completely change your life. That has already happened to me. A lot. Probably the most significant one was my Geography 120 class. I took it Fall '10. Just a General Ed. I wasn't expecting anything special, but it was. That class changed my life. I always knew that I wanted to travel, see the world, and to help people. But it had never really been at the forefront of my mind. That class reminded me, I am now attempting to attain a Minor in Geography. I intend to try to get a job at an international company so that I can do the traveling that I want to. Unfortunately, I haven't completely melded together my love of Statistics and Geography, but I'm working towards it. I will do something that incorporates both of them, I swear it.

Which brings me to my next topic. I love Statistics. Ever since my second year of high school when I took it from the best teacher ever: Mr. Schaul. I love so many things about Statistics. I love the numbers. I love how they can lead you to truth. And I love that I get to be the one trying to find the truth within the numbers. I am such a nerd, and I know it. But I love it. I love that I have a job as a Stat 121 TA. Even though I am still in training. Ughh! Why must it take forever? I am so excited for Summer term when I actually get to start being a TA. I can't wait.

I'm so close to so many things in my life right now. It scares me, I could mess them all up so easily. But I know myself. I won't. Hopefully.